All these have actually begun in the year 1969, almost two years before the death of one of my uncles. He was the elder brother of my father. During those two years I had to face a horrible experience of nothingness, because I could not see life anywhere. Life was everywhere, but I could not see it, I could not feel it, I could not touch it. I had instead a sense of void only, of futility of everything. God also appeared to me as a cruel monster at that time who, I thought, was torturing me in this way for the sole purpose of forcing me to renounce this beautiful life and to turn to asceticism. That was why He was showing me the hollowness of everything surrounding me, and that was why I was also failing to find any meaning in anything. But I was also strongly determined to never lead an ascetic life, and so far I have not faltered in my determination. I had to bear this intense burden of nothingness for almost two years at a stretch. Then after my uncle’s death everything became normal. I have to bear this same burden of nothingness many, many times in my life, but the duration of such experiences was never so prolonged. I can well remember when Yehudi Menuhin died (12 March, 1999), I had to suffer for only 12 to 13 days before his death. In part IV I have mentioned the death of one Bengali poet and novelist. In his case it was almost four months that I had to suffer. In another case it was about six months.
Sometimes this suffering would be so intense and unbearable to me that during those moments I would think that only death could give me some relief. So the next thought that would come to my mind naturally was to bring my life to an end by any means whatsoever. So there is always a suicidal tendency in me. “Either kill me, or spare me this suffering that I cannot bear”-that would be my prayer to God during those intense moments of suffering.
I relate all these experiences of my personal life here just to convince the readers that paranormal phenomena are real, very real. However I still fail to understand as to why I will have to suffer for the death of anybody and everybody who may not even be known to me, but the news of whose death will definitely reach me somehow, simply because he/she happens to live in the same locality as that of mine. And what is the purpose of it all? Was God instigating me in this way to seek something that was deathless? Perhaps in olden times also God had instigated many others in the same way to seek something beyond death. In their case God’s plan was successful, but in my case His plan has totally failed due to my stubbornness, due to my refusal to renounce life. But my life has also become a miserable one as a result of this stubbornness.
Now let me return to the main theme of this article. After reading the book by Koestler I became somehow convinced that paranormal phenomena would help me prove the existence of God. There are certain phenomena in this universe that can be easily explained by the proper scientific method. Most of the phenomena of this universe fall within this category; they are all explicable scientifically. But there are certain other phenomena also that cannot be so explained. All these other phenomena can be commonly categorized as paranormal. Although they cannot be explained scientifically, still it cannot be said that they are not real for the sole reason that they are not scientifically explicable. I thought that perhaps God was the explanation here. In my case the explanation would be something like this: There is a universal mind who knows everything timelessly. So he will know beforehand when someone is nearing his death. If my mind is somehow tuned with that universal mind, then I will also know beforehand that someone’s death has become imminent. The intense suffering that I will have to go through during such experiences will make me aware of that person’s imminent death. So, if paranormal phenomena are real, and I know through my personal experience that they are real, then with the help of these phenomena it can be easily proved that there is a God.